My thoughts are scattered and my feelings, mixed. What was once a sure thing is now a blurry vision of what ‘might have been’.
Ever woke up one morning and realized that you were a different person wanting different things? No, hang on! Ever woke up one morning and realized that you were a different person whom you did not recognize? You did not know who this person was and what she wanted? Sure, it was YOU when you looked in the mirror; the same dark hair and magical eyes, but who was it staring back at your inner soul?
You can feel the fear, worry, confusion and you probably live in self-denial until you cannot take it anymore. Then you begin to retaliate, rebel and try to fight the force within you. Nothing really works because fighting yourself can never take you to a better place. At the end of the long dilemma, you give in and learn to accept that change is inevitable and self-acceptance is the key to bliss.
The process is obviously longer than two paragraphs and the emotional trauma you put yourself through is highly underrated. But life is such that if we ignore it, it turns us into wild weeds, however, with enough attention we can become deep-rooted vegetation which actually serve a purpose.
Dealing with such situations are never easy because they involve not only hurting ourselves but people who genuinely care about us as well. It involves random impulsive behavior backed by illogical reasoning and emotional confusion that are followed by regrets and self-trashing. Such phases in life also involve becoming numb and detached where nothing really matters and the ‘don’t-give-a-fuck’ attitude takes over your universe to such an extent that you even apply it to yourself because nothing makes sense anymore and sometimes staying that way is easier than doing something about it.
But it doesn’t have to remain this way. You have every right to behave like a total dickhead for a few days, then it needs to stop and you need to pull yourself together and learn to deal with what life has served you. Do you recall those Masterchef episodes where contestants were given a bunch of random ingredients and asked to whip up something Masterchef worthy? It is indeed the same story with life! You realize you are left in a mess and you have a bunch of random stuff you need to get done. Nothing may add up at first and things will feel so out of sync. You might not even be sure about doing what you are doing but hang in there and remind yourself that, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” and yes, things will get better and you will see the sun shine once more.
To get over the disastrous creature you have become, you need to start somewhere. It may not be easy and there will be days you want to remain in bed, close your eyes and hope it all disappears, but doing that is only going to make it worse. No matter how crappy you feel or how lost or changed or so-not-you you feel, your first step is to find the reason. It could be anything from a relationship to a situation that has made you feel this way. Identify it and accept its reality. Sometimes it may be unpredictable and confusing but tell yourself that ‘no matter what happens, it is all going to turn out alright – AND BELIEVE IT.’ In addition to this here are a few pointers that will help you find your way back.
1) Re-discover your goals
Make a list of things you wanted to achieve but could not because you were too busy obsessing over things beyond your control.
2) Find a hobby
Yes! Go distract yourself and find something to do. Find a skillet, paint brush, screw driver, rope, paintball gun, anything! It will make you realize how much time you wasted beating yourself up about BS.
You need moments of peace and quiet everyday. Play soothing music, listen to the wind, shut your eyes or keep them open. Live in the moment and experience all that is going on; it may not be much but really feel it. Quiet your mind and let your thoughts settle down.
4) The Imaginary Friend
Call it talking to yourself or talking to Doodles. You need to interact with yourself in order to understand how you feel about you. If you have never done this before try standing in front of a mirror and talk, “hey! how have you been?”. “I’ve been alright, enjoying the weather.” Does it sound odd? Try it anyway.
5) Challenge yourself
Never been to the movies by yourself? Try it! Always wanted to run a marathon but thought you did not have the stamina for it? Start practicing! Overcoming such challenges reminds us we are worth more than we think.
Remember, that in order to find yourself, you got to first get to know yourself and to know yourself you got to discover yourself and discovering yourself is all about putting yourself out there to see what you are made of. So don’t be afraid!